Marriage Is Hard But It's Always Worth The Work


Just about two weeks ago, Mr. Divine walked out on his family. His reasons were that he wasn't happy and he didn't want to try anymore. Not very strong reasons, but he felt validated in leaving none the less. Nothing I said, did or apologized for helped. He was determined to walk out and abandon his wife and child no matter what. He did not look back, immediately putting in an address change request and telling me he wanted all his stuff.

The last few weeks have been a total nightmare as one could expect. Little Divine is a huge mess, and she misses her dad. Beyond that, she is utterly disappointed in him for what he did. She hurting and acts out every day. She has a hard time getting anything done and prefers to get lost in her books. I had to sign her up for counseling because having the only father you've ever known walk out on you is devastating. Having it happen for no good reason is even worse. I don't want her to have abandonment issues because of what he did. She's had a really good, trauma free life so far. I don't want that ruined and her permanently scarred. Even with counseling, the wounds he inflicted will always be in her heart.

Marriage is hard. Mr. Divine and I have been together almost 3 years. That is such a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things. We had many, MANY more years to come together as a family. Mr. Divine has had a hard life and has been abandoned by almost everyone in his life. He's spent his whole life being unwanted and unloved. That does a lot of damage to a person. It creates a lot of baggage and issues that if not addressed, can destroy your life. I've got my own baggage from my personal history including a lot of trauma I've done my best to heal from. The difference between Mr. Divine and I is that I have actively looked to heal myself and get better.

Our society tells me to suck everything up and deal with it. It doesn't allow them to have emotions or hurt over wrongs that were done to them. They are expected to take the hits and brush them off like nothing. They aren't allowed to be wounded or scarred. They are expected to be Teflon. This does no one good. We are raising men who have no idea how to deal with the crap going on with them. They cannot communicate, they cannot express emotions, they bottle everything up and don't deal with their issues. This creates broken marriages and broken homes.

We do a HUGE disservice to human kind when we treat our boys and men like this. We are fostering broken people remaining broken, and putting that brokenness into everything they do and touch. It's not healthy and it needs to stop. Boys and men need to be allowed to feel emotions and express themselves. They need to be shown that communicating in a healthy way is a good thing no matter what your gender. They need to be allowed to be soft and not always expected to just tough things out.

Mr. Divine lived in a world full of people who didn't help him be the best man he could. I was the one exception to that. I saw who he was, brokenness and all, and I chose to love him as he was. Did that mean I didn't want him to be the best person he could be? No! My job, as any spouse's job is, is to love him and try to help him be the best man he can. My job is most importantly to love him no matter what. This goes against a lot of current opinion in society that women need to not take a man's crap and they should walk away from men who don't do what they want.

I'm old fashioned and I do not believe that is the right attitude to create healthy relationships and marriages. "The grass is greener...." attitude is harmful to both genders. Walking away and quitting over small things, like arguing, is harmful. When you choose to be with a person you commit to them and you commit to your relationship even during the hardest times. You don't quit on a person for making a mistake or hurting you.

Which is why I love Mr. Divine and always will. I had a friend make it very clear that she thinks what he did is horrible and that she does not want me to give him another chance ever again. She was so adamant in her stance, that she started distancing herself from me over having normal emotions over our situation, and mostly I think it's because she wanted me to hate him and never want him back.

I can't do that. That's not who I am. It's not who I choose to be. I choose to love my husband. I choose to forgive him. I choose to stand by his side even when he walks away from me and cuts all ties.

That's the woman I want to be.

My walk is not yours. You have to make your own decisions about what is best for you in your situation. For me, I've spent my life carrying the heaviest weights of life. I am a very strong woman and life seems to think that means I should get the hardest trials. I am very used to going through hell and making it out just fine eventually. That is a part of my purpose and journey in life. I'm able to bear the weight and keep standing.

As I said above, marriage is hard. Mr. Divine and I stopped communicating well at least a month before he left. Mr. Divine was going through a lot of serious life situations and I think it was a lot for him to handle. Neither one of us was wanting to upset the other, so we both kept saying we were fine. We hurt our relationship by doing that. We went to bed angry, and even slept in separate rooms at times. That was also extremely harmful to our relationship. We stopped REALLY talking to each other.

Eventually he got to a point where all of the things going on were overwhelming him and he just didn't want to deal anymore. No, this is not the healthy way to handle life but it's the way he chose to do it. I let him go simply because that's what he wanted. I did what I could to try to talk him out of it but he was determined to be stubborn in his poor decision. That's his choice, one he will have to live with for the rest of his life. One he will have haunt him for the rest of his life.

He is welcome home at any time. Things will not go back to what they were before, they can't. We need marriage counseling. And there will need to be remedies for the damage and broken trust caused. But I will always have my door open to him whenever he wants to come home. I choose to be the woman who does that instead of the woman who throws him away like every single person he's ever had in his life has done to him.

Everyone deserves to be loved. Even the people who are the hardest to love. Even the people who hurt you the most and break your heart. It's a choice to love those people and it's one I choose to make.

I let Mr. Divine go 100%. I sent the last messages I would to him, then I deleted all the messages as well as his contact info. I won't contact him again. The ball is in his court and it will remain that way. I will be the woman he loves and keep our family and our home running on my own. I've taken care of myself on my own most of my life so it's nothing new for me. Mr. Divine was the one time in life I got to really share my life and world with someone else. I'm sad he chose to end that.

Most importantly, I hope one day he realizes that he made a mistake and remembers all he had.

And I hope he chooses to come home.

We both had our friends fail our relationship. His buddies screwed him over by not telling him to go home and make it work. They did him no good by their actions. They failed as friends and they will be stuck with that knowledge for the rest of their lives, that they helped destroy a family for no reason. Those people are people I will never trust again. They made a choice and they are responsible for it. They will forever live with what they did and the lives they destroyed.

My own friends who have been hurtful to me over still loving him, they also have blame they hold. They tried to force me to do and see things as they wanted without any interest in how we feel. They then distanced themselves from us because we refused to hate him and give up on him. That's not friendship. You choose to be there for friends, not demand they do things your way or you stop being there for them. I will never forget the friends who put us in that situation. When we needed them the most, they chose to fail us because we still chose to love the man who we shared every single day with.

I'm disappointed all around in the people who know and how much they let us all down. I've got a daughter who is broken and hurting, and all she wants is her dad back. I haven't eaten much in weeks. One friend told me she could tell how much weight I've lost in just a week. I'm a mess. I miss my husband. I am angry and hurt and so very sad. My life has been shattered and my heart ripped to shreds.

And none of this had to happen. It was all over a few arguments during a time when a lot was going on in our lives. There was no need for it to go like this. It was all such a waste. What we had was a love story for the books. It was incredible how we fell in love right away. We were best friends, lovers, and soul mates. Our life was so amazing together. Yes, we had some really hard times, but the majority of them were really good. And as time went on, our foundation got stronger and we kept conquering any issues that got in our way.

It always got better. Mr. Divine lost sight of that along the way. I'm so very sad for him because what an awful feeling to lose hope.

I won't quit hoping. I have faith in our love and in us. I trust that we met and fell in love for a reason. And most importantly, I want him to know that I won't ever quit on him. Years can go by and I still won't quit on him. I will always see the best in him because I know him in a way no one else ever has. I will always love him because I will always feel he deserves to be loved. Everyone deserves at least one person who is completely committed to them and won't ever quit on them. I will always be that for Mr. Divine.

Keep working on your marriage. Day in and day out do the work to make it amazing. Talk, really talk. Be open with each other and never go to bed mad. Wake up each morning giving the day a fresh start and wiping the slate clean. Value all the good there is in each other. Love each other unconditionally. Never quit on each other. Believe in the love you share and the foundation you've built. Trust one another. Put your family first. Don't ever stop putting in the hard work because in 10  years it will all have been so worth it.

Stay strong through the hardships in life. Trust in the process and look for what you can learn through the experience. Remember, you are so very strong even when you don't feel that way. Keep going forward even when all you can do it crawl. If you need support, I will be here for you the best I can. I know what it's like to hurt and struggle. I also know that you can survive this and come out the other side. I have faith in you.
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